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Jan 31
My Dearest Kit,
Thank you for your beautiful expression of how we are! Yes, that says it exactly.
In looking at our vows, I see that many of the things we have been talking about in these conversations are included in our vows.
The respect for the other as an other, truthfulness , seeking for the positive, coming from love.
These are true expressions of how we are with one another.
Talking, truthfulness, ongoing honest communication…this is an important underpinning to everything. We seem to naturally stay in touch, and share our thoughts.
Our decision making process has been so easy as a result. We just talk till we find some solution that pleases us both. Neither of us seem to want to push an opinion or a particualr viewpoint on the other.
Even though this has come very naturally to us, I believe that this style is something that can be cultivated. I think couples can come from a place of trust in the other and at the same time respect for the other, that will enable them to find solutions suited to the union, rather than to one or the other. While doing this, seek for the positive and come from love. It feels so much better than manipulation or force or pressuring or anger or self-righteousness or control or separation or aloneness. Go for the union!
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Jan 29
My Dear Kat,
One of the main reasons for our lack of conflict is that we agree on the ground rules. The funny thing is that originally we were never explicit about them, with maybe the exception of sexual monogamy, and it wasn’t until we came to write our wedding vows that we put our common understandings into words.
I love the way we did it. We sat side by side on the bed, and each wrote down what was important for us. Then we exchanged lists and talked about our responses to each item. Often, we had said the same thing in different ways.
We came back to this a number of times over several days, talking about everything until we had identified and clarified the essence of what we were saying, and out of this, we crafted our vows.
- I promise to be your partner and lover through life.
- I promise to dwell in love, to act from love, to hear with love, to speak from love.
- I promise to always be truthful and to share what I feel.
- I promise to recognize and honor who you are and to always remember that “you are you and I am me”.
- I promise to choose the positive and strive toward the good and act in support of you always all ways.
- With these promises I celebrate our union and rejoice in the Grace that brought us together.
It was, as is always the case with you, a delightful organic process. There were no points of significant disagreement; maybe some of emphasis, at most.
I was about to say that because we have this shared agreement on how we live life together, there is no need for conflict, but that doesn’t follow: we could still argue over which movie to see. That doesn’t happen, because the choice of movie is just not that important. The sense of peace that comes from our joint understanding of how we live our lives together far outweighs my desire to see a particular movie!
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Jan 28
Dear Kit,
You mentioned how we talk about things and just seem to come to resolutions or decisions. This has always been a basic part of our time together and maybe this is one of the critical factors. We have always really talked with each other. We have a comfortable and natural style of talking over things with each other and forming a plan of action or coming to a decision. I think often when people are feeling upset with each other or angry or misunderstood, it is because they do not really stay in communication. They have to guess what the other is thinking or feeling and this leads to distance, fear and lack of harmony. If communicating becomes a natural part of how people are with each other, then many of the conflicts and problems will probably never even arise. Can something this simple really be an antidote to so many problems. Yes, I think it can.
The other thing you mention which I want to comment on, is that neither of us is really attracted to conflict or fighting or any of those kinds of energies. We are strongly attracted to peace and union and harmony and kindness and happiness and love. We both seem to be totally fulfilled with these emotions and experiences and have no attraction at all to the chemical rushes associated with the other. I think very often, people have come to associate these negative feelings with having feelings at all. For this reason, they seek for the strong rushes of discord. Perhaps it wouldn’t be all that difficutl to work on switching attractions. To develop a taste for harmony!
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Jan 27
My Dear Kat,
Your delightful list of reasons why we are special ends with its effortless nature, that it doesn’t take work. So many people write about the necessity of working on a relationship; I reject that idea. Working on something is what I call a job, not a relationship.
We never feel the need to work things out in the sense of resolving a conflict. Firstly, we are in agreement on things large and small to an uncanny degree, but when we’re not, they are never seen as a conflict; we simply talk about it, and out of that, comes a conclusion. It happens every time.
But how we do this is hard to pin down. Maybe it’s like riding a bicycle. At first, you fall over all the time; later, staying balanced becomes second nature. We prefer the peace of co-existence; the drama of alienation has no attraction for us. How and why we do this is unclear to me; did we learn this, or is it in our natures? Certainly, to do this requires a degree of non-attachment, and also an understanding of how much influence one can and can’t have with another person.
We both revel in the pleasure of the other, and feel no need to change them; indeed, their difference is a source of pleasure and wonder. This non-interference is a key aspect of this lack of conflict.
We are like trees in the wind; when storms come, we bend before them.
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Jan 26
Dearest Kit,
I would so like to be able to break down the way we are together, so that I could see more of what contributes to this extraordinary relationship that we have. We have isolated some important factors.
We are very much in the present with each other. This contributes to the feeling that our experiences are always new and always better than before. There is an element of co creativity that arises from this kind of presence.
We do not confuse our identities, which I believe happens in a lot of relationships. I do not feel that you are actually me, and that therefore you should do everything as I would do it and act as I would. I am in no way censoring or judging or changing or improving upon who you are. You do none of this with me either. And yet, we are very supportive of each other, always wanting the very best for the other in every way.
We are gentle and loving and kind with each other. We do this without effort and with very little consciousness of behaving in this manner. We do not seem to be irritated or annoyed with each other. This may also come from accepting each other entirely as we are, and not wishing that the other would somehow be different or act differently.
None of this causes boredom or some dull saccharin lack of intense experience. I think all too often people associate conflict or anger with having feelings or caring. We do not derive our passions from the negative juices that flow in discord. Rather, we seem to flourish and be more joyful and filled with peace and energy from the utter lack of these kind of emotions within our relationship.
It is a mystery. It does take two to make something like this happen. I believe that we have both equally allowed this to occur. And yet, it was not with hard work, as so many people suggest is necessary to develop and maintain a relationship. In fact, there is no sense of effort at all. It is a mystery!
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Jan 25
 My Dear Kat,
The sleeping together is a very strange and wonderful thing. I have never been big on touch – I have a massage certificate that’s a year old – but the experience of being in physical contact with you is very soothing. It occurs elsewhere, too; I love walking in step with you, holding hands or linking arms, it feels like we are in it together, that we act as one. I mean that literally; I get little flashes of union as we walk down the street, whether murmuring to one another or walking in silence. It is connecting at a very primal level. People stroke each other for comfort, hug each other for sympathy; ancient messages are passed, pre-dating language by millions of years, and you and I can hear and trust this unspoken communication.
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Jan 24
Dear Kit,
It has been a little more than three weeks now that we have been sleeping together every night at the Victoria Street house. There is something so powerful about ending each evening and starting each day with you. It seems like such a little thing. I marvel at how much it colors everything.
And then there is the actual sleeping together. We do that so well and again so differently than most couples. We sleep in contact, often with our bodies entwined, but always in physical contact throughout the whole night. When I wake to go to the bathroom, we are in contact. When I wake in the early morning we are in physical contact.
Again it seems so natural for us, but from what I know of others and what I have read, it is actually very unusual. We don ‘t disturb each other. In fact, we seem to bring health and balance to each other while sleeping. Again, the overriding feeling is peace.
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Jan 24
Dear Kit,
I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was low level irritated, really annoyed with someone. It was that attitude of diffuse impatience with a person that is so very common in the world. I think a lot of people spend a lot of time feeling that way toward their partners and the people they live with or work with. I woke to that sensation and to you sleeping next to me. I realized that I never, and I do truly mean never feel that way with you.
This may sound silly, but I think that is wonderful, absolutely amazing! I never feel impatience or irritation with you. Our time together is always full of joy, full of goodness. I am happy and peaceful and comfortable whenever we are together. That can be at the end of a work day, over a weekend of being together or two weeks of traveling and being together all the time.
We are never short or harsh with each other. It seems we are never irritated or annoyed. What is this different way of being together that seems so natural, so right? We could spread so much peace and goodness if we could pass on to others how to relate in this manner.
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Jan 21
My Dear Kat,
I love what you write about peace. Before we met, I sat in zazen most mornings; after we met, I never sat on the mornings we awoke together, and never missed it because being with you was (and is!) so centering that it acted just like sitting by pulling me into the present.
So how do we do this? We honor the present, or to rephrase it, we honor what is present; in other words, our direct experience in the moment. The present moment doesn’t contain events that happened in the past. That cuts out a whole lot right there. And by not trying to direct the other, we relinquish attempts to manipulate the future. By refusing to be captured by regrets and yearnings from the past, and by accepting what is, rather than what might be, we allow ourselves to see and experience the other completely.
Here’s the amazing part: by doing so, a freshness and vitality enters that I have never known before. Every day with you is a new and different experience. It is like taking a walk; it may be the same route, but I would never mistake Tuesday’s walk for the one I took on Monday. And so with you: talking, sex, touching; all of these spring anew each time.
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Jan 20
This wonderful experience of union that we are partaking of seems to find its verification for both of us in the experience of Reality. There is no necessary or possible validation for something of this nature, other than direct experience. It is so full. Such an encounter with truth, beauty and goodness leaves no questions of veracity. It is to be treasured, explored and most definitely shared.
I feel stronger, better and more able to love others, as a result of this union of ours. Perhaps these words are too sweeping and sound like I have become lost in this shared merging. Regardless, I know that I am clear and grounded in my everyday world and that I feel like a carrier of peace. I seem to be filled beyond filling with feelings of calm, joy and love. And most of all, I experience an abiding peace. I feel like this peace is something that is part of that which is real, but also that we have co-created it, brought it into the world of time and space, if you will.
I find it astonishing that something of this metaphysical nature can be so fully here in the physical, material world. In fact, it seems to flow into existence often, as we wrap around each other; as we come in close, closer physical contact. It causes a fascination within me to experience directly just how united mind, matter and spirit can be.
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