My Dear Kat,
I am blown away by how we are. I have never experienced this harmony of being with anyone else. The way we flow through the world together, taking things just as they come, is like nothing I have ever experienced. With others, there were always periods of conflict, friction, disagreements. With you, I have, for the first time, the experience of always being on the same side. If we want different things, we talk – just talk! – until the choice becomes clear.
You’ve said how much you like that I talk. I’ve been attacked, grilled, cornered, shouted at by many partners in my life. I’ve been accused of not communicating, of being closed, withdrawn, uncommitted, separate. Have I changed? Have I finally committed? Certainly, commitment makes it easy to speak, because the voice in my ear suggesting other scenarios is reduced from a constant temptation to an idle fantasy, but at least as much is that I can say whatever comes to mind, and you just hear me. That is SO liberating. And every time it happens, it makes it easier to speak truth the next time.
The other side of talk is what you say. You say what you mean. I grew up in a family where sentences had hidden meanings, sexuality was taboo, every look and tone of voice had to be interpreted. I’ve spent a lifetime learning the virtues of direct communication. So as I have come to know and trust that you say what you mean, I have opened up to you. Thank you for that.
So have I finally come to commitment, or have I finally met my partner in peace? I am left not knowing how much is me and how much is you in all this. I may never come to a definite conclusion, but am happy that we should both take credit for how we are.
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