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Mar 19
Dear Kit,
I’m still looking for words to describe our experience together. I like finding words to talk about it. I like sharing our words and developing together what comes out. I find by speaking of it together, I seem to find aspects of our union that I can better understand or further examine.
I don’t yet feel there are finished principals I would list, or that I want to reduce or limit this exploration to what has so far been described.
I feel a lot of what happens is just that, something special and almost magical that happens. It is not something we do, although it is made up of parts that we do.
These things seem less like doing and more like being.
You mentioned making no demands. That is a description of not doing something. I don’t have the feeling generally of avoiding doing something. There is an experience that for you is described by making no demands. I look there and I see me sitting comfortably inside my center. I take pleasure in you sitting right in your center. I don’t wish to make you me. I rejoice in who and what you are, which is not me. I don’t want to change you or your actions.
Be Present. We talk often of this amazing quality we experience together of being in the present..of being in presence. We seem to both have brought this skill with us from before. When we come together we are so completely together because we are both fully there. How would we pass this on?
Speak the truth. Yes, we are fully able to do that with each other. There are no horrible surprises or betrayals. Nothing we are going to reveal to each other is going to cause withdrawal of the other.
Ah, there is a whole area of us that seems to be very critical…our constancy, our feeling of the eternal, our commitment to each other. How did we get that? We need to look further at this element of us. Then there’s also the coutnerpart to that, the 100% factor. I love your description of the floor which is either free of thumb tacks or the one that only has a few. Can you dance freely and safely on the one with only a few thumb tacks?
We have so much to explore and describe.
Kat
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Mar 17
My Dear Kat,
I feel a need to start pulling together the principles we’ve been discovering through self-observation.
- Make no demands
- Be present
- Speak the truth
- Be consistent (though I don’t know how an inconsistent person is expected to carry this out)
- Do as you would be done by (a reference to The Water Babies)
That’s not very many, and maybe 2 and 3 are the same thing, expressed differently. But maybe we’re not in the business of collecting as many aphorisms as possible; it might be the opposite, of reducing it to a few guidelines and explanations of how they apply in a variety of situations.
For comparison, the couple we saw had three rules:
- Speaking the Truth
- Taking Healthy Responsibility
- Expressing Appreciation
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Mar 16
Dear Kit,
I want to talk a little more to this experience of time. We seem to be moving into a space of ‘different’ time, or ‘no time’. Yesterday afternoon, we made love for what seemed to be hours. There were so many different pathways that we went down together, it seemed like we traveled for such a long time. I remember looking for words while within the experience, and the word that came to me was ‘unending’. Yet when you looked at the time, you reported back that it was quite short again. You mentioned you thought that what we experienced was 3 or 4 times longer than what the clock told us. I concur.
What is this element of the shift in time about? What sort of place are we traveling in during this union experience?
I seem to always come back to the area of presence. When one is in presence, there is a quality of alltime. In our union, there is a quality of stretched time. It is not that there is a sense of no time, because we do have a sense that a long time has been involved.
I wonder if we will learn more as we continue to explore together. How does this apply to living life everyday?
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Mar 15
My Dear Kat,
The experience of our union has some peculiar properties, notably that you and I report the same thing. When one of us proffers a description, the other says “Uh-Huh” in agreement. Pretty much always. Now you and I have led different lives, have different bodies with sex organs of different types, and whose nervous systems are not connected. So either there’s a lot of coincidence going on, or WE’RE HAVING THE SAME EXPERIENCE. We approach so close, we are so in touch, literally and metaphorically, that we are both conscious of the shape and extent of the boundary between us. I don’t mean boundary in the “barrier, blockage, unavailable” sense, but that of junction, connection, surface. It exists in meta-space (no time to explain that now), and we both see its shape, albeit from opposite sides, and so we recognise our pattern in the other.
Maybe I’m getting to lyrical and theoretical there. I don’t experience it like that. Instead, I’m in quiet agreement with you as you speak. Always. Oh, there may be some straightening out of terms, but the agreement is there. How odd is that?
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Mar 14
Dear One,
I agree. The validity and authority of experience is at the core of recognizing that which is.
It is really quite extraordinary to have the experience of union with you over and over and over. This beingness that comes through you and I is radiant and true. It vibrates with Reality. You are so honest and good. I can open my heart and my mind to the present with you, with full assurance of honor, truth, safety, joy, and unending adventure.
Just being with you every night and every morning, and all night long, is such exquisite happiness, such peace. When we come together, we beam light. We are adding to the overall goodness by living this union.
It is joy living in presence with you.
Kat
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Mar 13
Dear Kat,
Yes, the time phenomenon is very strange, but I’ll put it down to being intensely present.
More puzzling to me is the sense of union, of experiencing another being that is not me and not you; at the same time, I am also aware of myself. This has happened to me just a few times in my past, but with you, it’s a regular occurrence. It’s puzzling because I have no place in my scientific cosmology for it; my brain says maybe it’s the experience of chemicals designed to promote pair bonding such as oxytocin or vasopressin. Maybe it’s a hallucination, a desirable illusion designed to promote sex and reproduction. It’s just a subjective phenomenon, a trick of the light.
Against this, there is the claim of many mystics that we are all one. “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together” (even though that’s from “I Am the Walrus”, a deliberately meaningless song.) But then again, maybe those 40 days in the desert affect the brain.
And lastly, I say no, this is my primary experience. There is only experience in our world; all those theories are ways to explain and classify our experience, so ignoring my experience in favor of the theories classifying it is a dangerous route. Here, I also have to refer to the Enlightenment Intensives, the epitome of chopping through words to reach the direct experience.
So I have this dialogue in my head and this experience in my body, and sometimes it makes me feel like this.
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Mar 12
My Darling,
I want to find more and more ways of talking about this remarkable experience we are having together. Let’s keep exploring together and see what ways we find for communicating about it.
As we make love, in the height of our passion the most amazing things occur! Time seems to alter. I won’t say that it disappears completely, but it seems to stretch. I have the sense that we go on and on for what seems like a long time. We seem to go so far, to travel great expanses. And yet, according to your experiment , of watching the actual time, it is a comparatively short time that elapses in normal time measurements. It is so odd.
Also the experience of self, as it comes to me through my body is greatly altered. There is a point, and with us it comes quite quickly, where all barriers seem to disappear. I feel something delicious, melting and flowing, that is neither you nor me, but us. I experience this through my mind which is distinctly mine and separate from you. And yet, the overriding experience I am having with this distinct mind is everything filled with our union. It floods all my senses, my mind and my spirit. It has such depth and breadth it just fills up everything.
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Feb 14
My Dear Kat,
Yes, yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, but you have enough of that elsewhere.
Instead, I want to explain exactly what we are trying to do here. You see, gentle readers, Kat and I are so very content with each other in a way that few other couples are, and we think that this model is uncommon in today’s world. Instead, the talk is all of struggle, of gender wars, of having to work on the relationship, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
We aren’t like that.
And if we aren’t like that, it means it doesn’t have to be that way.
It’s only that way if you make it that way. It is nothing to do with your partner; it takes two to argue. You can disagree on what to do without arguing; even if your partner does, you needn’t participate.
So here, we’re trying to give a sense of what life is like when an alternative style is chosen, and to say that yes, it’s not a myth, it can be done.
Just do it.
Kit
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Feb 11
Dear Kit,
Yes, the Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde experience. This is so difficult and most times very shocking. The person you have come to love and share with just flips into someone else, someone you don’t recognize, someone who is a stranger to you.
I think this is one of the things that was so wonderful for me with you from the very beginning. Every time I encountered you, you were the same person. I came to know that this would not change. That you would really be there every time. Really be present, and really be the person I was growing to know and love.
Maybe this was particuarly important to me, because the last relationship I had been in suffered from this very difficult experience. I think the fact of your constancy, of you being who you really are all the time, is actually a critical part of who we are together. We each seem to be sitting inside our true selves, and when we come to the ‘table’ we bring our full selves there to the feast.
You have often said that it is as though there is nothing in the world but us when we come together. This does not mean we are not aware of the world or its happenings in our lives. Just that when we are together, we are actually taking time to really be completely present with each other. Also, this is not something that is done with effort. It seems to just occur. Its not that we have decided to do this, or talked about how to be together. It just seems to happen.
And I love who you are and am so grateful that when we come together, it is always the same person who I encounter!
Kat
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Feb 09
My Dear Kat,
This morning we spoke of people who act like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We have both had partners like this. One moment, everything is fine, then POW! Something sets them off, and someone unrecognized appears: maybe hysterical, maybe furious, maybe withdrawn.
There are several ways we react to this. One is to defend against the attack, to fight back, to deny the accusations. A second is to feel guilty, to feel the attack is justified in some way. Maybe I should have called her back? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that? It’s easy to react this way because sometimes we do screw up, and in such cases, this is the only way out. A third way is to try and fix it, to do whatever it takes, because she is your partner and she is in pain, and because you want normal service to resume as soon as possible.
It was with A., a very volatile partner, that I first noticed the rock. When she got angry, I wouldn’t let my self get dragged in. I would not let myself be affected by it. Oh, there were times it went on so long that I reacted in anger at the whole mess, but in general, I could just let it wash over me, could wait it out.
– – – – – – –
I write about all this because we don’t do it. Ever. In its place is a constancy, one that we both remarked on after getting to know each other. I love the consistency. Of course there is variability: sometimes you are tired or ill or quiet, but I never feel that you have changed in how you see me. This knowledge is so very peaceful and calming. Thank you.
Kit
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