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Jan 21
My Dear Kat,
I love what you write about peace. Before we met, I sat in zazen most mornings; after we met, I never sat on the mornings we awoke together, and never missed it because being with you was (and is!) so centering that it acted just like sitting by pulling me into the present.
So how do we do this? We honor the present, or to rephrase it, we honor what is present; in other words, our direct experience in the moment. The present moment doesn’t contain events that happened in the past. That cuts out a whole lot right there. And by not trying to direct the other, we relinquish attempts to manipulate the future. By refusing to be captured by regrets and yearnings from the past, and by accepting what is, rather than what might be, we allow ourselves to see and experience the other completely.
Here’s the amazing part: by doing so, a freshness and vitality enters that I have never known before. Every day with you is a new and different experience. It is like taking a walk; it may be the same route, but I would never mistake Tuesday’s walk for the one I took on Monday. And so with you: talking, sex, touching; all of these spring anew each time.
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Jan 20
This wonderful experience of union that we are partaking of seems to find its verification for both of us in the experience of Reality. There is no necessary or possible validation for something of this nature, other than direct experience. It is so full. Such an encounter with truth, beauty and goodness leaves no questions of veracity. It is to be treasured, explored and most definitely shared.
I feel stronger, better and more able to love others, as a result of this union of ours. Perhaps these words are too sweeping and sound like I have become lost in this shared merging. Regardless, I know that I am clear and grounded in my everyday world and that I feel like a carrier of peace. I seem to be filled beyond filling with feelings of calm, joy and love. And most of all, I experience an abiding peace. I feel like this peace is something that is part of that which is real, but also that we have co-created it, brought it into the world of time and space, if you will.
I find it astonishing that something of this metaphysical nature can be so fully here in the physical, material world. In fact, it seems to flow into existence often, as we wrap around each other; as we come in close, closer physical contact. It causes a fascination within me to experience directly just how united mind, matter and spirit can be.
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Jan 19
My Dear Kat,
 This experience of union is a mysterious joy. I have fleetingly known it before, but with you, it is a regular occurrence. Yet the rational scientist in me asks if it is an illusion, a trick that nature has dreamed up to facilitate sex, bonding, family and cooperation. Our senses can often fool us; why is this not the case here as well?
Let me offer some reasons.
- “The fact precedes the explanation” is a phrase I coined in my 20’s to mean that the raw experience of the world trumps any theory. At some point I have to take a stand and say that my experience of union is real. It is stronger when we are in physical contact, and strongest when sexual. It is as though the point of contact between you and me is us. I want to be very clear here: this is not the same as feeling your body; that happens at the same time, but is not the same as the joint experience. There is a strong feeling of mutuality, that what is taking place arises not from you or me; we are but observers of the event.
- You and I are complex systems. When two complex systems are joined, interactions and possibilities are created that do not exist in the individual cases. Two eyes offer depth perception beyond that of one eye. A finger and thumb can perform manipulations that one digit cannot. Two digits (the binary system) allow a much more compact representation of number than one digit.
- The idea of a supra-individual consciousness is not prevalent in Western culture, though it has been written about in many places. See Robert Cloninger, Richard Moss, Ken Wilber, Alan Watts.
This is a rather intellectual response, I know, but it is a radical change in world-view that we’re talking about here, and I feel the need to provide a sound basis for it, both for my own benefit and for use with other people.
Kit
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Jan 17
My dearest,
I want to comment on your remark that “I hardly ever feel that I have compromised at all. My self, my integrity, remains intact”. I agree. We don’t impinge on the sacrosanct nature of each of our separate and distinct personalities. We experience such amazing union, and yet remain totally ourselves, totally whole, with no part of that distinct individuality being altered, or crowded out or in any way threatened. In fact, it seems we celebrate the uniqueness that is each of us, while finding so much common ground.
I think the area that we first began to notice this clearly was in our sexual union. There is a palpable new existence, almost a third entity, a beingness which is the ‘us’…the place of melding and merging. It’s hard to say where one body begins and the other ends. And yet, the very experience of this union seems to take place, at least partially, in each of our minds, where we are entirely our separate selves.
This almost magical blending that we experience together sexually happens in less than an instant; as soon as we bring our bodies in full contact, we can jump to that amazing plane/place. I know that it appears to be always new, and always better than ever before. Maybe it is the very present place that we share from, the very act of being truly present. It seems to allow a co-creative event horizon that is always new, startlingly intense and full of love and union and creativity. I wanted to try to begin to describe it. I wanted to say some of the things it is. There are also things it is not, like fear, withholding, or in a time other than the present. Both lists can probably go on. I just wanted to begin the description of this most illusive experience.
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Jan 16
My dear Kat,
I agree entirely with you about the feeling of our new arrangement of sleeping together every night. I never expected this feeling of joy; I thought that, if anything, it might produce a little claustrophobia or some territorial issues. Instead, this extraordinary sense of adventure.
This is just another example of what is so baffling about you and I: that we do something, and it just works, and this happens time and time again. Yes, I know we’re a fit on paper: same age, liberal politics, etc., but there are many areas that appear mis-matched: different culture, different childhoods, you raised children and I didn’t. Yet we have this way of agreeing on things and flowing through life that is uncanny in its easiness, or to put it another way, I hardly ever feel that I have compromised at all. My self, my integrity, remains intact. Quite how all this happens, I don’t understand, but it is a key aspect of why it is so easy to be with you; I do not have to withdraw to repair myself.
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Jan 15
My dearest Kit,
I am so enjoying our ‘new life’ sleeping together every night at the Victoria house. We’ve had four wonderful years living together so fluidly and in flux…we have slept sometimes at ‘your house’ and sometimes at ‘mine’ and sometimes each in our own. It has suited us and we have surely loved our togetherness and our aloneness. Whenever I share with women about our lifestyle, they say “you have the best of all possible worlds”. Yes it has been delicious! We have savored and treasured it all.
I don’t know why exactly we decided to experiment with this new idea, but it just seems to have grown the way most things with us come about. We have this wonderful natural way of talking and moving through life together, that is so profoundly moving to me, and yet so basic and simple. It is so free of conflict and yet so passionate! This is really what peace feels like, full of life and in the present, filled with such good will and love.
But back to our new experiment…it seems to have begun with the New Year. We decided to sleep together every night at the Victoria house. We also decided to reframe the descriptions and instead of saying ‘my or your place’, we will call them the Victoria place and the Foothill place…
It seems like such a small thing to change, and yet it has brought an incredible sense of happiness. You told me this morning you feel like we just got back from our honeymoon! Its true, there is a feeling of renewed closeness and such a deep sense of union. Yes, we always have that wonderful sense of union, but there is definitely some large inner shift that has taken place between us. Its amazing that something so seemingly insignificant could feel so large and exciting. We do well in any circumstance together, we’ve traveled extensively, beginning just four months after we joined, with that ten day trip to England, being continuously together. No matter what the situation, we always have that quality of deep delight, harmony, peace, passion. We are such an extraordinary match. What is this quality of union that is ever fresh and so deeply satisfying?
I look forward to it all, while wanting to be no where but in the present with you! The adventure continues…
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Jan 14
My Dear Kat,
I am blown away by how we are. I have never experienced this harmony of being with anyone else. The way we flow through the world together, taking things just as they come, is like nothing I have ever experienced. With others, there were always periods of conflict, friction, disagreements. With you, I have, for the first time, the experience of always being on the same side. If we want different things, we talk – just talk! – until the choice becomes clear.
You’ve said how much you like that I talk. I’ve been attacked, grilled, cornered, shouted at by many partners in my life. I’ve been accused of not communicating, of being closed, withdrawn, uncommitted, separate. Have I changed? Have I finally committed? Certainly, commitment makes it easy to speak, because the voice in my ear suggesting other scenarios is reduced from a constant temptation to an idle fantasy, but at least as much is that I can say whatever comes to mind, and you just hear me. That is SO liberating. And every time it happens, it makes it easier to speak truth the next time.
The other side of talk is what you say. You say what you mean. I grew up in a family where sentences had hidden meanings, sexuality was taboo, every look and tone of voice had to be interpreted. I’ve spent a lifetime learning the virtues of direct communication. So as I have come to know and trust that you say what you mean, I have opened up to you. Thank you for that.
So have I finally come to commitment, or have I finally met my partner in peace? I am left not knowing how much is me and how much is you in all this. I may never come to a definite conclusion, but am happy that we should both take credit for how we are.
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Jul 11
My Dear Kat,
Let me start this dialog by discussing a principal that is completely clear to us: to make no demands upon the other. That’s none, nil, nada, zilch.
I’ve spent years with the bathroom half-renovated? You keep checking email when coffee is ready? He leaves his clothes lying around? Who are you to control his habits? She takes 20 minutes to put on make-up? That’s just what she needs to feel comfortable.
With you, the experience of being able to act without engendering your approval or disapproval leads to an extraordinary freedom that I have never experienced before in a relationship: the possibility of being myself. Furthermore, it is cumulative; the longer we are together, the more assured we are of this, and the more we are each able to express ourselves.
I want to make it completely clear to our readers that this is not some abstract goal, such that 80% or 90% or 95% is “good enough”. Imagine being barefoot in a room with thumb-tacks on the floor. Even a few will inhibit your ability to dance, but once you find the room to be free of them, no limits apply. And so with us, I find that you add to me; I can be myself, and you make room for me to be more. I am so grateful for your amazing and uncommon skill.
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