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Apr 22
We have these wonderful long sessions of talking, mostly while lying together. We achieve such a closeness that it feels above the regular level of human contact. We seem to enter another realm where time is altered. It is much the same as places we travel together to or states of being we achieve, when we are sexual.
These long talking experiences create a deep feeling of connectedness. We find ever deepening pathways of discussion and seem to be able to flow from one to the the other without boundaries or separation.
The time factor is almost startling. We can feel like long periods of time have gone by and find that on the clock it has been very short. Or we can float in this ecstatic exchange with no feeling of time passing at all.
These experiences are blissful. They are filled with a sense of peace and well being. The sense of being merged with another is so basic. It feels like we are experiencing something that is very real, that could be there in life on an ongoing basis.
How do we find the way to share about this and bring it more into existence? It is the question that comes up right after an enlightenment intensive. How do we bring it into everyday life?
We seem to have found a way to live on a daily basis with this between us as a very real experience, one of no conflict and much joy.
How do we spread this in our lives and to others?
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Apr 16
My Dear Kat,
This morning we covered so much ground.
- The importance of touch.
- The possibiity of talking instead of being sexual.
- What would happen if we talked for 6 hours?
- Accepting the other rather than reacting.
The subject of touch is interesting. I hypothesise that people communicate through touch, whether galvanic, chemical, physiological, thermal or otherwise, and that it is understood by some non-verbal part of ourselves. I wonder how it would affect people having an argument if they were to remain in physical contact during it? If you had an urge to withdraw or flee, that would be really hard, but it would bring the underlying issues right into focus.
That’s all cerebral guesswork, so let me counter it by saying how much I love being in physical contact with you. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but to lie in bed with you, touching from shoulder to foot as we talk (or not) is a wonderful comfort.
That makes it sound like an infantile regression, but it doesn’t feel like it. Instead, it feels like a natural way of being that is lost in every-day life (or my male everyday life, at least), but just happened spontaneously for us from very early days.
The, of course, there’s the actual sleeping together. We lie in contact the entire night! I don’t think that happened ever before for me.
Lastly, we’ve observed that a number of other couples who are at peace with each other hold hands or make contact some other way.
Kit
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Apr 14
I have been thinking about what real fun it is to do the N.Y. Times crossword puzzle with you together.
It is a great example of how wonderfully different we are and how well that fits and works together.
We seem to get entirely different parts of the puzzle. Each of us seems to see different things and get the answers to different clues. Together we finish the whole puzzle smoothly and seem to get even the complex ones when we work together.
We do the puzzles the same way we do many things together. Each as a different being, and yet fitting together into some wonderful whole together!
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Apr 14
Sunday when we went up to the mountains to play in the wildflowers, I felt so filled with joy and peace. There is something so special about our drives into nature. We move quietly, companionably silent or having wonderful discussions about all that is important to us.
We fit so well in a natural environment. It seems to be part of what we are.
Also, the driving in the open convertible seems to bring it all around us so close.
I love that we go so deep, whether we are plotting out our lives, or not talking at all.
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Apr 10
My Dear Kat,
I feel so graced by being with you. I feel as if I float through the world. I feel that nothing is too difficult or overwhelming because there, behind it, is you and I.
Are you fulfilling some lost parental fantasy for me? No, it’s not a sense of security, at least not in the “I’ll be taken care of” mold. It is that I am added to, as opposed to being completed. I just love how we operate together; it is so easy, so smooth, and it’s aways like this, which I continue to find very strange, unusual, mysterious and delightful. Yes, after all this time.
There. Nothing profound to say, no great insights into how we are, only the joy of our worlds over-lapping.
XX Kit
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Apr 09
My Sweet Kit,
I feel so very blessed to be in this wonderful relationship. Yesterday I brought you roses. I want to shower you with flowers and gifts. I so appreciate how present you are with all of you, available to me in every way all the time.
You mentioned fears you had, caused by previous experiences in other relationships. You thought you had been unavailable and wrapped up in work. I did not experience you that way at all. I do not feel that you are ever unavailable. You have let me know in words and in deeds that if something is important to me, you will be right there with me. If I needed you for something, you would put everything aside to be there for me. You would not think twice. I know this is real. I feel the same way.
We do not need to prove to each other that we don’t forget the other. We do not need to make shows of not being involved in our work or our lives. We both know the importance of the other to our life. We experience the inside of each other all the time when we merge. There is no questioning in that place. All is clear.
Yours, Kat
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Apr 07
My Dear Kat,
I have been deeply involved in work for the last few days. In the past, that has been very threatening to my partners; they interfered, pouted, accused me of withdrawal, demanded more of me.
With you, no. You give me the space to be myself, do what I want to do, just as you always do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The shadow of the past still makes me cautious, makes me check to see how you are, but hallelujah, everything is fine. That’s why I say thank you.
This all fits right in with our theme of permission, non-interference, allowing the other to be and do whatever they wish. Maybe it is an emergence from childhood: as we grow up, our parents and teachers admonish us, guide us, teach us to make space for others. I do think that we have a natural capacity for empathy, but it has to be grown and nurtured, otherwise we get stunted self-involved adults, or worse, sociopaths (though they may have a genetic deficiency).
But this upbringing of rules, rules, rules teaches us also that this is the way that people interact, and we carry this into adulthood, feeling unconsciously that we have to guide, admonish and control people. For certain people and on certain occasions, this may be true, but in general, it is possible to leave all that behind; the vast majority of people are benevolent, cooperative and doing the best they can at their present stage of development.
In fact, the whole idea of development is fascinating. Reading Wilber turned me on to this, but I’ll expand on this another day.
Kit
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Apr 04
We’ve been trying to break down some of the qualities that seem so important to how we are with each other.
One factor that seems critical is not only accepting the other person for who they are, but also celebrating with joy who they are, feeling a deep abiding affection and respect for the other.
At the same time, it is important not to get confused and think that your identity has merged with the other. We seem to keep our separate identities, while merging into something else as well. When you’re not trying to change the other person, you don’t seem to run into so many of the difficulties that bring conflict and distance between two people. So how does one find a balance of not trying to change each other, while at the same time being open to help and support each other to actualize ourselves fully?
I think part of this paradox could be held within not thinking you know better for your partner what is right, or best for them. Maybe by not separating yourself from your partner, by not thinking from separation of higher or smarter or better or more fully knowing what right action is, you can instead actually experience the joy of another viewpoint, the discovery of other ways to see and think of things. This difference of identity has to at the same time hold consonance of the basics. You have to feel connected and in accord, to fully appreciate difference and not want to make it the same as you.
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Apr 02
Dear Kat,
I want to expand on your post about joint experience.
After making love, we often talk about the experience, and every time, we are in complete agreement on what we have just experienced. When I talk, you always concur with my descriptions, and furthermore, this is not at all surprising; in fact, the surprise would be if there were any significant differences. This is true the other way, too; you describe how it was for you, and I go “Uh-huh, uh-huh” in concurrence.
For events like watching a movie or going to a play, we have also “experienced the same thing”, but in those cases, we often differ in interpretation or meaning; our experience of the event has been mediated by our history and viewpoint.
That’s not what is happening here. It is as if you and I actually touch, and I don’t just mean physically, but in some other dimensions as well, to use a hackneyed metaphor, and our descriptions of the shape of the surface of contact must necessarily correspond. (One shape would be the inverse of the other, but that’s a simple mapping.)
That’s rather abstract, mathematical, scientific, but that’s my language, I guess, and as you say, we are engaged in finding a language for this experience.
Kit
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Apr 01
When we talk about finding a language, of developing the words to speak of our expereince, neither of us has any doubt that we mean, that we experience the same thing. We search for ways to communicate about it. We talk about it and write about it. We know that we have the same experience. There’s not the slightest doubt about it.
Actually, that is in and of itself rather remarkable. How can something so elusive be so definite for us, so clear? And yet it is, unshakeably, most certainly clear. We both experience the same thing without giving up anything from our separate individualities.
This union is so solid, so strong, so fully present. It is unmistakable.
This union is so soft, so gentle, so firm.
So mutual.
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