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My Dear Kat,

We talked yesterday morning and night about our agreement on things both big and small; whether it’s making love or watching a movie, going for a drive or separating and working, we reach a mutual decision without effort.  This happens so regularly that it is a statistical impossibility that we should always want the same things.  What must be happening is that we weigh the importance to ourselves against the importance to the other person and just flow with that, but it happens so naturally and rapidly that we do not notice it.  This sounds like Choice blindness in action.

But how, exactly, are we able to do this when other people can’t?  It does feel like it is a conscious action in some way.  I don’t say that other people are intentionally choosing to disagree, but there must be some pay-off for them; the situation of pain or anger must be, at some level, comfortable and familiar.  So I think the process must be one of seeing that fact, and choosing not to go there.

Another way of phrasing it is to say that neither of us are attached to particular outcomes; there are no sticking points, no areas of friction.  This, of course, is Buddhist non-attachment.

Kit

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