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Apr 07
My Dear Kat,
I have been deeply involved in work for the last few days. In the past, that has been very threatening to my partners; they interfered, pouted, accused me of withdrawal, demanded more of me.
With you, no. You give me the space to be myself, do what I want to do, just as you always do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The shadow of the past still makes me cautious, makes me check to see how you are, but hallelujah, everything is fine. That’s why I say thank you.
This all fits right in with our theme of permission, non-interference, allowing the other to be and do whatever they wish. Maybe it is an emergence from childhood: as we grow up, our parents and teachers admonish us, guide us, teach us to make space for others. I do think that we have a natural capacity for empathy, but it has to be grown and nurtured, otherwise we get stunted self-involved adults, or worse, sociopaths (though they may have a genetic deficiency).
But this upbringing of rules, rules, rules teaches us also that this is the way that people interact, and we carry this into adulthood, feeling unconsciously that we have to guide, admonish and control people. For certain people and on certain occasions, this may be true, but in general, it is possible to leave all that behind; the vast majority of people are benevolent, cooperative and doing the best they can at their present stage of development.
In fact, the whole idea of development is fascinating. Reading Wilber turned me on to this, but I’ll expand on this another day.
Kit
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Apr 04
We’ve been trying to break down some of the qualities that seem so important to how we are with each other.
One factor that seems critical is not only accepting the other person for who they are, but also celebrating with joy who they are, feeling a deep abiding affection and respect for the other.
At the same time, it is important not to get confused and think that your identity has merged with the other. We seem to keep our separate identities, while merging into something else as well. When you’re not trying to change the other person, you don’t seem to run into so many of the difficulties that bring conflict and distance between two people. So how does one find a balance of not trying to change each other, while at the same time being open to help and support each other to actualize ourselves fully?
I think part of this paradox could be held within not thinking you know better for your partner what is right, or best for them. Maybe by not separating yourself from your partner, by not thinking from separation of higher or smarter or better or more fully knowing what right action is, you can instead actually experience the joy of another viewpoint, the discovery of other ways to see and think of things. This difference of identity has to at the same time hold consonance of the basics. You have to feel connected and in accord, to fully appreciate difference and not want to make it the same as you.
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Apr 02
Dear Kat,
I want to expand on your post about joint experience.
After making love, we often talk about the experience, and every time, we are in complete agreement on what we have just experienced. When I talk, you always concur with my descriptions, and furthermore, this is not at all surprising; in fact, the surprise would be if there were any significant differences. This is true the other way, too; you describe how it was for you, and I go “Uh-huh, uh-huh” in concurrence.
For events like watching a movie or going to a play, we have also “experienced the same thing”, but in those cases, we often differ in interpretation or meaning; our experience of the event has been mediated by our history and viewpoint.
That’s not what is happening here. It is as if you and I actually touch, and I don’t just mean physically, but in some other dimensions as well, to use a hackneyed metaphor, and our descriptions of the shape of the surface of contact must necessarily correspond. (One shape would be the inverse of the other, but that’s a simple mapping.)
That’s rather abstract, mathematical, scientific, but that’s my language, I guess, and as you say, we are engaged in finding a language for this experience.
Kit
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Apr 01
When we talk about finding a language, of developing the words to speak of our expereince, neither of us has any doubt that we mean, that we experience the same thing. We search for ways to communicate about it. We talk about it and write about it. We know that we have the same experience. There’s not the slightest doubt about it.
Actually, that is in and of itself rather remarkable. How can something so elusive be so definite for us, so clear? And yet it is, unshakeably, most certainly clear. We both experience the same thing without giving up anything from our separate individualities.
This union is so solid, so strong, so fully present. It is unmistakable.
This union is so soft, so gentle, so firm.
So mutual.
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Apr 01
Dear Kat,
I’ve been thinking about our posts on being suited to each other. There are two aspects to this very necessary prerequisite:
- You have to know what to look for in the other, and also, what to avoid (I know you don’t like negatives, but I think they’re important here).
- You have to be that same desirability for the other person.
I’ll tackle the latter first. I don’t (at this stage, anyway) want a laundry list of behaviors. I would rather just say “Do as you would be done by”, and point out that this embodies the concept of empathy, of being able imagine oneself in the place of the other, and furthermore, that this is the first step in merging, or union.
So that’s a requirement for the other person’s behavior, too. There must be much more to work out here – what about preferences, kinks, hobbies, interests, goals, politics? They may be necessary, too, but I don’t need to go there now. By the way, I fail miserably at this assessment, or I would never have spent so much time with A____.
Kit
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