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Oct 31
Dear Kit,
I had so much fun yesterday morning, as we were discussing Kit and Kat and playing around with the video. We returned to our discussion of basic agreements which reframed itself into core values.
I like that description. Core Values. You suggested that core values are actually the same for everyone, rather than there being my core values and your core values. This gives us a good place to find the 100 percent factor. When you have core values as your basis for agreement and union, then you can let go of determining the specifics. You can celebrate that there is another person, one who is totally unique, and celebrate the difference. You can be constantly enriched by the other. We are able to reside in the present, experiencing what is, without preconceiving it. We don’t try to fit the other into an idea or a mold or a picture of what should be or could be. We experience what is.
I think the sense of surety between us comes not only from our shared experiences, but also from these core values that we share about life and relationships.
We also talked about the fact that the primary relationship is familial.
Much, very much of how we are, comes from our mutual respect for the sacrosanct nature of each personality.
love Kat
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Oct 29
In yesterday’s post I puzzled over the prerequisites for our level of agreement. On reflection, I think it needs a full belief in the golden rule, “Treat others as you wish to be treated”, which describes an equivalence between me and you, that we are both equally important.
To act based on this, you have to put yourself in their place for a moment. A more succinct term for this is empathy, a skill that develops over the years (though it may stall or fall back in some). Furthermore, it seems likely to me that to increase in empathy is to approach nearer to God, spirit, union or whatever term works for you.
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Oct 28
Dear Kat,
I have been mystified how we reach agreement on things. For instance, I wrote here “We come to agreement on what we do together without apparent effort or decision-making” and here “This happens so regularly that it is a statistical impossibility that we should always want the same things.”
The other night you answered this so eloquently; let me see if I can summarise it.
It’s a result of being open and present. You have an idea of what to do. I suggest something else that is not in your mind. Because you are open and undefended you are not stuck on your idea being the best. More than that, you welcome the variety and difference that another person brings to the table. Maybe it’s not to your liking, but that’s OK, too, because I am not bound to my suggestion. And so it goes, and we rapidly reach a conclusion that works for both of us. This whole process takes place so easily and fluidly that I think we must sometimes not see it happening, only experience the results.
It’s aided by several things. That we like many of the same things broadens the area for agreement, but more than that is being open to newness and change, and not being attached to specific outcomes. Lastly, we have no desire to triumph over the other, and want what is best for both of us. This all takes a certain level of self-knowledge and non-attachment. Do we make this a prerequisite? Try to teach it? Assume it is present?
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Oct 24
As we were having our walk around the park this morning, you began a discussion of how we are doing on the bigger issues of our life together.
It was so good to just walk and talk. We always talk about things. I think this is a very important part of our process. We have a gentle way of sharing verbally and it keeps us in touch with each other and our feelings in a special way. We are always connected even when apart. However, communicating about everything on a constant and regular basis, gives us a very present moment knowledge of how the other is perceiving things.
I feel so much richer hearing our life through your words and always hearing how you feel. It is so great that we can speak and always feel heard, that we communicate without judgment or special agendas. We always want the best for each other and seem to feel assured that the other wishes the best for us!
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Oct 23
My Dear Kat,
Sometimes I don’t post for days, not through forgetfulness, but because no previously unspoken ideas come to me. You say we should just repeat the ideas, because the rephrasing may illuminate them more.
Tonight I have no new thoughts, but I carry a warm glow from being with you, talking with you, sharing with you. One of our strengths is that of connectedness – when we come together, there is no adjustment. After we make love, we remain merged and connected. And when we are separated and going about our daily work, I still feel a sense of peace and groundedness arising from our connection. It is as if we have joined on some non-spatial dimension, and remain connected there even though physically apart.
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Oct 20
Dear Kit,
In looking at some of the things we’ve done together, our willingness to experiment has caught my attention. We seem to easily take on a project, a new way of being or doing for us. We decide (through our process) that we’re going to do something new or different, and then we just move smoothly into it. There doesn’t seem to be any resistance or reluctance to shift and change.
I think that this comes from being in presence. We don’t hang on specifics, pre-images or concepts. We don’t overhang our experiences with each other with preconceptions or projections of any kind. We seem to delight in discovering the other as an other. Its always new and always better.
I think this same state of presence enables us to take on new directions with ease.
Our latest major experiment of sleeping together every night at Victoria House , has been so surprisingly meaningful and added so much depth.
I can’t imagine where this wondeful journey with you will be heading , but I go there with joy!
Kat
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Oct 20
After watching John Stewart interview Barbara Ehrenreich I was critical of her pessimistic, negative attitude. Today I found The Whiner’s Guide to Not Complaining, the start of a 3-week project by a habitual kvetcher. It might be a good area for us to cover. Maybe there are things we do (or don’t do) that come so naturally that we don’t even see them, yet they are significant factors in our whole process.
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Oct 17
My dear Kat,
I want to make two points about the 100% factor — the principle of allowing each other total freedom, and how liberating that is.
The first is that I suspect people mishear it as 100% commitment. Yes, that’s important too, but you can be 100% committed and a terrible nag. We are talking about something very different.
Secondly, we’re not saying people should tolerate anything and everything, acting like a doormat and letting their partner walk all over them. Instead, it is only possible in a partnership that has core agreements in place. I think they vary from couple to couple, but examples would be trust, honesty, monogamy and fiscal responsibility. When these are in place, nothing else is necessary. You can give your partner the space to do and be whatever they please.
Peculiarly, these agreements were never made explicit between us until we sat down to write our wedding vows. That must have been because our beliefs were communicated through our actions.
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Oct 12
Kit,
First I want to thank you for your loving post. It touched and moved me deeply.
The other night we were making love for what seemed like a long time ( you know how those time experiences can be) and at some point, when we were physically spent and lying in each other’s arms, I had a flash.
It was so clear to me at the time. I only wish it were easy to put into words!
What I realized was that we’re impinging upon the infinite in our union…that our experience was never ending…it had no real stop or final event…we only narrow down our focus and come away from that place of the infinite when we have to, because of physical reality…the one we are in…eventually, we enter time and space because our bodies need to.
I wanted you to know that I experience a foreshadowing of the Divine when I am with you!
Kat
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Oct 11
My Dear Kat,
I live in constant wonder at the ease and comfort between us. How is this so easy when other relationships were not? I think those other people would say (assuming they could peer deep into my thoughts) that my commitment to you makes all the difference. Certainly, that is a source of wonder and joy to me, but I don’t think that is the answer; there was no “Aha” moment when I decided to commit. Instead, I look to you for being so peaceful, so accepting, so joyous, so sexual, so positive.
In deep appreciation,
Kit
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