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My Dear Kat,

I want to speak about balance.  The way we act together is very puzzling.  We come to agreement on what we do together without apparent effort or decision-making.  Certainly there are times when only one of us feels tired, talkative, sleepy, sexual, but mostly we concur on whether to walk, what movie to watch, when to separate, and all those other joint decisions.  It’s that process of deciding that is obscure; there is no sense of pitting my needs against yours, struggling until a winner emerges.  There is scarcely ever even a sense that we have different agendas at all.  But how can this be?  We’re different people with different clocks; the odds of being in sync become more improbable the more it happens.

It is as if we have moved our consciousness from our individual selves to us, that incorporeal being that has both our interests at heart.  I don’t invoke magical channels here; it’s likely that there are signals of body language, smell, voice, etc. by which we adjust to each other.  But such communication is not conscious, hence the puzzlement above, and more to the point, is irrelevant because the focus is on what we do, our intentionality, and here, my best reply is “nothing”.  We achieve this by being, not by doing, and the more still we are, the more intense the experience becomes.

Kit

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I love what you say about talking because I have had the “we need to talk” speech from so many other people.

So what’s the difference?  Was I mutated by a bombardment of cosmic rays?  No, I think everyone has, somewhere at least, a need to talk, to express themselves, to be seen.  To never do so would be a life of existential loneliness.  People may hold back out of shame, embarrassment or guilt, but we all need that contact at least on occasion to feel connected to others.

One reason the talking is so easy and fluid with us is the complete acceptance that we’ve talked about many times before.  There are no mine-fields, no dangerous areas, no taboo subjects, no demands to talk or be silent or respond or be a particular way, and this is such a liberating thing.  It’s this way for both of us, and leads to great freedom and joy.

Kit

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My Dear Kat,

To illuminate my main point, I first want to examine what it means to be present.  Yes it’s a cool phrase, and yes I can generally say if it is the case, but what exactly are we talking about?  Here’s my stab at it.

Some things are indisputable because their veracity stems from the experience itself.  Even if it’s an illusion, a mirror, a trick of the light, it’s still indisputably my world.  To the extent that our awareness and attention is on such experiences, we are present.  Phrased like that, presence is a continuum, not a binary state.  Nevertheless, the experience is closer to binary, like a seesaw, because of the way our attention focuses.

And so to my main point; I experience something existing that is not me and not you, but is us.  It is clearer when we are physically together, and most so in sexual union, but it is not simply the sense of touch or the pleasures of the flesh, because my sense of its existence is other than my physical senses.

I struggle to write these words because what I am saying is so beyond my objective, scientific view of the world, yet it fits in with Eastern/spiritual views of oneness and unity.  I feel as if I am in the process of turning a corner and perceiving a whole other landscape.

Kit

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My Dear Kat,

One of the peculiar things about you and I is the sense of change, of progress, of adventure.  Sometimes the externals – doing the crossword, curling up, reading the paper – seem identical, sometimes there is a change in flux – we’re very sexual, or get into a movie-watching jag, or do some activity we haven’t done in ages – but there is always a sense of newness, even within any elements of repetition.

I can only put this down to our ability to be in the present.  One day differs from another the way one page in a book is different from another page of the same book.  They may have the same color, thickness, weight, layout and typeface, but our experience of the two pages is completely different.  Write on!

Kit

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My Dear Kat,

Last night we came together late and just hung out, did the crossword, talked.  We both said how delightfully cosy it was, and so the question arises again, how do we do this?  The scientist would say that we each adjust our expectations and behavior to synchronise with the other, but look as I may, that is not what I see, for if that were the case, I would expect to see compromise, trade-offs, weighing the pros and cons.  I don’t.  Instead, I see a process that is non-verbal, that I don’t “make decisions”, but instead, the activities “come to me”.  But it does feel intentional on another level.  It feels as though we eschew words and thoughts and planning and allow some natural balance to take place.  It is like trusting the us and not letting “words with charge”, to use your memorable phrase, take over.

The result is a feeling of incredible lightness, airiness, freedom, liberty.

Many years ago I had the opportunity to ride rear-seat on a tandem.  I was used to steering on a bike, and I jerked the handlebars so fiercely that the forward rider could not keep the machine in balance.  Neither of us are doing that now.

Kit.

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